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Fun and Thought Provoking StuffClick on a title to go directly to that item, or just scroll down:
CLASSIC VERSION:
MODERN VERSION: The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ants old home, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America. Copy and paste this letter into your word processor, personalize it, and send it to your bank. Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
Press:
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve
a lengthy wait, annoying music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. If you are a little short on time in preparing your CV for that new job, cut and paste the following, add your name, and mail. Resume - Curriculum Vitaé insert your name here I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, the Mets scouted me, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critic’s worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. Sincerely, Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese Auto company decided to have a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuously Measurable Improvement Team (CMIT) of “Executives” was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing, and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.” To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive and become a six figure performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment.” That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. The American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment, halted the development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. A QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? The Answer: KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: What? I missed one? A LETTER FROM AN ARKANSAS MOM TO HER ARKANSAS SON Dear Son, I’m writing this real slow cause I know you can’t read very fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and I ain’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. You know the coat you wanted me to send you? Well, Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes. Your sister had a baby this morning. I ain’t heard whether it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you’re an uncle or aunt. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down. There’s not much news this time, nothing much has happened, Love, Mom.
COMPREHENDING THE ENGINEERING MIND Comprehending Engineers-Take One
A pastor, a doctor
and an engineer are waiting one morning behind a particularly slow group
of golfers. They see the course marshal and ask why he isn’t doing
something to expedite play. “They’re blind firefighters,” says the
marshal, “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we let them have free access to the course anytime they want.”
After a moment’s reflection, the group responds: Comprehending Engineers-Take TwoIn a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”
Mathematician: “Never.” Comprehending Engineers-Take Three There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having. One of their multi-million dollar machines wasn’t working and no one knew how to fix it. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “Replace this part and the machine will work.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly once again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: One chalk stick...$1. Knowing where to put it… $49,999.00 The bill was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. Comprehending Engineers-Take Four Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a mathematician. “Watch and see,” replies an engineer. They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket for the return trip, but are astonished to see that the engineers don’t buy any ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed mathematician. “Watch and see” is the answer. They board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departs, one of the mathematicians leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.” Comprehending Engineers - Take Five The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn’t teach.
10. There are at
least 10 types of capacitors. Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter and he proposed a bargain. He would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning moneylender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
fathers' debt would be forgiven. They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them in the bag. Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the girl. If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble. Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girls' dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers. What choice would you have recommended to the girl? Well, here is what she did: The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles. "Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked." Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she picked the white one. And since the money lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation onto an extremely advantageous one. Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful
rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. INTERNATIONAL SIGNS IN ENGLISH Signs Written in English Discovered Around the World.... On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Two signs from a Mallorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable foods, give it to the guard on duty. At the office of a Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
"Why are you crying?" the little boy asked his mom. "Because I'm a
woman" she told him. Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason" was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to GOD; when GOD got on the phone, the man said, "GOD, why do women cry so easily?" GOD said "When I made women she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort....I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children...... I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining......
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
circumstances, even when her child has hurt them very badly....... This
same sensitivity helps her make a child's boo-boo feel better and shares
in their teenagers anxieties and fears....... I gave her strength to
carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to
protect his heart. Traveling on a
train were Smith, Jones, and Robinson. They were fireman, brakeman, and
engineer, but not necessarily in that order. Also on the train
were three passengers, Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones, and Mr. Robinson. Some
facts: Here's the question: who was the engineer?
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